It can be difficult to have a spouse that feels more invested in playing video games than in your relationship. Videogames can be a great form of entertainment, relaxation, and even social connection. However, when one partner plays video games excessively, the other partner can feel neglected.
Marital neglect and video games
Marital neglect can happen when one partner prioritizes playing video games over the relationship. This can lead to a lack of quality time spent together and emotional disconnection. It can also leave one partner feeling unheard and undervalued. When feeling neglected in your relationship, it can be helpful to have a conversation with your spouse about how you are feeling.
Having a Conversation about video games
Plan for the conversation
This will help you have a clear grasp on what you want to talk about and avoid getting off topic. Take a moment alone to think about the times when you feel most neglected. Think about what is your first reaction when you feel neglected. Come up with realistic solutions that will make you feel more prioritized without taking away your partner’s autonomy.
Approaching your partner about the conversation
It is good practice to ask your partner if now is a good time to have a conversation and give an estimate for how long you think the conversation will take. Avoid bringing up the conversation in a heated moment or when your spouse is engrossed in a video game.
You can say something like: “Is this a good time to talk about _____ it may take about ____”
You can also schedule time to talk about the issue. Make sure to give a short description about what you want to discuss. This will give your partner time to think about the topic as well and help them not feel anxious.
In the conversation
During the conversation you want to remain on topic. This is where that planning ahead comes in. It is easy to get lost in an intimate conversation especially if the “blame game” starts.
“I” statements can help minimize others feeling attacked or blamed in conversations. An easy to remember template is “I feel ___ when you do ____.” An example of an “I” statement can look like, “I feel neglected when you spend hours playing video games.”
You can also offer a reasonable solution at the end of your “I” statement. “I feel neglected when you play video games at night instead of going to bed with me. I would like you to lay in bed with me for a little while before you go play.” It is also possible to brainstorm together other solutions that will work for both of you.
Use active listening in the conversation
Active listening helps you remain present in the conversation and make your partner feel understood. It also minimizes the possibility of your partner feeling attacked.
Try reflecting back what you believe your partner is saying and feeling. Then acknowledge those feelings. Often times when someone is speaking to us, we are thinking about what we are going to say next. This can cause us to miss important messages and feelings, leaving the other person feeling unheard.
Reflecting your partner’s statement lets them know you are listening and understanding. It also gives them the opportunity to revise their statement if the reflection was not how they meant for the information to come across.
Practical Tips to Navigate Excessive Video Games in a Relationship
Establish quality time rituals
Schedule specific times for shared activities and quality time. Create rituals that you both look forward to. This could be a weekly date night, cooking together, or doing a hobby you both enjoy. This can help you feel connected as a couple and reinforces the importance of prioritizing your relationship.
Explore new interests together
Encourage your spouse to explore hobbies outside of gaming. These can be activities that excite you both. Activities can include hiking, cooking, photography, fitness routines, DIY projects, or book clubs. By engaging in fun hobbies together, you'll create new opportunities for connection and get to spend more quality time together.
Seek professional help
Communication alone sometimes may not resolve the issue. Seeking professional help, such as structural family therapy, can be beneficial for couples. Structural family therapy can help couples:
• Create boundaries around video gaming with agreed-upon limits
• Make adjustments to relationship dynamics
• Create healthier communication patterns
• Address any underlying concerns that are leading to excessive gaming, such as stress or unfulfillment.
Couples Counseling for Excessive Video Gaming in Texas
Barrosha Boykin uses structural family therapy in her work with couples and families. Barrosha helps couples experiencing marital neglect to move towards healthy communication and connection. If you feel that professional help may be beneficial for your relationship, schedule a consultation with Barrosha here.
