Emotion-focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapy that emphasizes emotions and human connection. EFT digs deeper than the behaviors and conflict on the surface. It is rooted in the belief that unmet emotional needs cause ruptures in relationships.
Emotion-focused Therapy is an evidence-based therapy created in the 1980s by Sue Johnson and Les Greenburg. Its roots are based in attachment theory and emphasizes the power of human connection. Feeling love and safety in relationships is a powerful driver for change. EFT helps create vulnerability and security in relationships for better emotional connections.
Our Need For Connection
As stated in attachment theory, all humans have an innate need for emotional connection with others. We all need to feel seen, heard, and understood. The emotional bonds we form as a child with our caregivers can influence how we interact in relationships. Sometimes, we have a history of unmet needs in relationships in our lives. This can leave us feeling hurt and doing external behaviors to protect ourselves. These external behaviors can include yelling, criticizing, alienating ourselves, etc.
The focus of EFT is more on the internal experiences than external ones. Yet, the therapist will begin by getting to know the negative patterns of conflict the couple experiences. The goal is to replace negative cycles with secure emotional connections.
Understanding Negative Patterns
There is often a predictable pattern of conflict that couples fall into. These patterns tend to repeat and leave the couple feeling stuck. The therapist will begin by understanding the couple's negative cycles.
For example: Partner A is constantly frustrated at Partner B for forgetting to pick up milk on their way home. Partner A rolls their eyes and criticizes Partner B.
“Why don’t you ever remember to do the things I asked you to help with?”
Partner B throws their hands up and storms off to another room.
When couples get caught in the pattern of conflict, there is actually an underlying emotional need that is not being met. Internal emotions are causing each partner to act in a certain way. A new story unfolds when looking at the deeper emotional disconnection.
In the example above, Partner A may be feeling a secondary emotion of frustration when Partner B forgets to get the milk. This is externally shown as them rolling their eyes and criticizing. The underlying primary emotion may be that Partner A is feeling disappointed and sad.
When partner B gets criticized, this triggers their primary emotion of fear of abandonment. This causes them to react in a way to protect themself- they run away and alienate themself.
This feeling of disappointment may be a pattern in Partner A’s life and relationships. In conclusion, it is not really about the milk. If the couple came up with a plan to make sure Partner B brings home the milk, the underlying need would still be unmet.
That is why EFT is so effective. It addresses the deeper issue. Couples learn how to understand and share vulnerable emotions. They also learn to accept their partner's vulnerable emotions. This can help rebuild a secure connection and feelings of safety in a relationship. As a result, the couple will feel emotionally closer to each other.
What Couples Can Benefit from EFT?
Couples often show up to couples therapy because of conflict and disconnect in their relationship. EFT can help couples dealing with a variety of challenges including:
Blaming each other
Fighting/conflict
Poor communication
Infidelity
Trauma
Mental health struggles
What Happens During an EFT Couples Therapy Session?
As suggested by the name, Emotion-focused therapy is about looking at the internal emotions. The main goal of sessions is not to discuss the conflict that happened. Instead, the therapist will explore the underlying unmet emotional need that led to the behavior.
Stages of EFT Therapy
What can you expect during EFT therapy? EFT is structured by three main stages:
Stage 1: De-escalation stage
During this stage, the therapist will get to know the couple and understand why they are seeking counseling. The therapist will work with the couple to understand the negative cycles that are occurring.
Stage 2: Restructuring the bond
In this stage, each partner's attachment bond is explored. A safe space will be created for each partner to be vulnerable and accept the other partner’s vulnerability. The focus will be on creating a more secure emotional bond between partners. This is where repair begins to happen in the relationship. Partners learn to communicate their needs and emotions more effectively. A supportive and safe environment is created in the relationship.
Stage 3: Consolidation of change
The final stage involves solidifying the newly developed emotional bonds and communication patterns. Couples learn to apply the skills they acquired during therapy to various life situations. This helps create lasting change.
EFT Therapy in Texas
Neema Counseling has skilled couples therapists who are trained in EFT. They create a safe environment for couples to understand their emotional needs. The therapist will help track and break negative cycles that couples fall into. Then, they will help couples communicate their emotional needs with each other. If you and your partner are ready to explore EFT therapy, schedule a consultation with one of our couples therapists here.