Marriage is hard. Maybe not the first year or even the first decade, but every couple hits a rough patch at some point.
And that’s normal. It’s easy to think that “happily ever after” is easy, because that’s where the fairy tales and rom coms end (and that’s all we see on social media feeds). But the truth is that “happily ever after” in real life takes work.
The good news is you can do it. If it feels like your marriage is ending, don’t give up. Here are 13 strategies for fixing a marriage.
1. Choose and commit
The first step to making your marriage work is choosing to fight for it. You did this when you took your wedding vows, but do it again. Couples, and even individual spouses, who seek marriage help with a mindset that says, “We are going to fix this, because we’re not giving up,” have much better success than those who approach it with a mindset that says, “We’re going to try this and see how it goes.”
This can be as simple as an internal mindset shift or a short journal entry, or as involved as a renewal of vows ceremony. Whatever you need to do to truly (re)commit and choose your marriage—do that.
2. Favor your spouse
Get back to living like your spouse’s happiness and wellness are the most important things. It’s natural for the rose colored glasses to come off after the honeymoon. It’s natural for affections to be divided when children join the family.
But the happy marriage you used to have was based in large part on both of you feeling respected, honored, and/or adored. When people feel this, they can give it in return.
And don’t worry about the kids. Studies show that kids do best in families where the parents love each other. The best thing you can do for your kids is not to favor them, but to favor your spouse.
3. Communicate consistently (and honestly)
We are surrounded by distraction and entertainment, and it is not difficult to see the effect it can have on some of our most important relationships. But consistent communication is the foundation of any strong relationship, and studies have shown that it may actually be prescriptive (not just descriptive) for a healthy marriage.
Set aside 20 or 30 minutes each day to talk with your spouse—and to really, actively listen to your spouse as well. It might be a little awkward at first if you don’t talk much anymore, but you’ll get the hang of it if you keep making the time.
4. Forgive
Forgiving someone—especially your spouse—is really, really hard sometimes, but it’s so important if you’re going to fix your marriage.
Remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean that the behavior was okay. It doesn’t mean there are no consequences.
Forgiveness releases you of the burden of that anger and disappointment, and it allows you and your spouse to be on the same team again. Holding a grudge against a spouse almost always leads to divorce. Forgiveness doesn’t make the hurt go away, but it’s the first step to healing.
5. Date your spouse
You may have heard this before. It’s common advice to newlyweds and one of the first tips you hear when the relationship starts to waiver. But what does it really mean?
Ask yourself how you and your spouse fell in love. What types of dates did you both enjoy? Where did you go? What were some of the little gestures you did for your spouse? Maybe it’s time for a nostalgic date night back to that same diner, or a love note left behind like you used to do.
6. Spend time together
Spend some regular time together as well. Find a way to make your spouse part of your daily routine. Maybe this is when you practice communicating, but maybe not.
Get up earlier and spend 20 minutes together before the kids wake up. Make plans to have lunch together once a week. Find a series or a podcast you can listen to together in the evenings. It can be almost anything, as long as it is something you both enjoy.
7. Get time apart
Time together is important, but everyone needs their own space too. Make sure you’re both getting some time alone or some time to spend with the guys/ladies.
It’s important that you both feel like you can also continue to pursue your own interests and hobbies. You want to find things that you can do together, of course, but you won’t agree on everything. Marriage doesn’t mean giving up on new interests just because your spouse doesn’t share them.
The balance between spending time together and getting time apart can be tricky, and the key is often good communication. If you’re starting to feel neglected, or if you’re starting to feel smothered, talk to your spouse right away. And if your husband or wife mentions this to you, make a plan together to get both of you what you need.
8. Study your spouse
You did this when the relationship was new. You asked about their hobbies, scrolled through their social media feeds (unless your relationship pre-dates MySpace), asked friends what they like, memorized their coffee orders on dates, etc.
After several years of marriage, it’s easy to feel like you know this person … but you might be surprised. No matter how well you knew your spouse at the beginning, people change. Understanding who your spouse is now will equip you to love them better.
A simple way to do this, that may even be a fun activity to do together, might be to take an enneagram or love languages test together. Read each other the questions and score each other’s answers. Then, read through results together and talk about what is most accurate.
9. Reintroduce physical contact
That’s not a euphemism. Sex is often important in marriages, but if your relationship is strained right now that might be too big a leap to make.
Romantic or flirtatious physical contact, however, goes a long way too. Hold hands. Hug before you leave for work in the morning, and when you come together again in the afternoon. Rest your head on your spouse's shoulder if you’re sitting next to each other.
Simple physical touch releases oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone.” Oxytocin also triggers the release of dopamine and serotonin in the brain, all of which reduce stress and improve bonding.
10. Solve financial disagreements
Finances are the #1 source of marital arguments—even among couples who don’t think they argue about finances. Healthy relationships almost always include healthy conversations about money and long-term financial goals.
If one spouse has always managed the finances, make some time (maybe one weekend each month) to review the financial situation together. If there are big financial decisions coming up, carve out time to discuss all the options together. When unexpected expenses arise, sit down together to figure out what it’s going to mean for your finances and how you’re going to take care of it.
Studies have shown that couples who handle finances together generally enjoy stronger relationships as well.
11. Get healthy
It may seem unrelated, but there are several ways that starting healthier habits can also help fix your marriage.
First, you will start to feel better about yourself. It’s hard to authentically love someone else when you aren’t happy with yourself. Starting to get healthy will give you a good confidence boost that can overflow to those close to you.
Second, you may start to be more attractive to your spouse. Unless you’re really into fitness, you were both probably in better shape when you got married than you are today. If you’re trying to date your spouse, you want to look good.
Finally, good nutrition and even a beginner exercise routine can improve your state of mind. Exercise releases endorphins and improves energy levels. You may even start to sleep better—all of which will improve your mental health, so you can communicate well, forgive, and keep working to fix your marriage.
12. Get professional marriage help
If your health were failing, you would see a doctor. If your car was failing, you would take it to a mechanic. When you’re dealing with a difficult situation that you’ve never experienced before, getting professional help is always a good idea.
A good, experienced marriage counselor has seen marriages in crisis before, and they know how to help. If you and your spouse share the same faith, you might want to seek out a religious counselor or a pastor who can help.
13. Pray
The same way that some people are embarrassed to get marriage counseling, some are also embarrassed to pray about how to fix their marriages—but you don’t need to be.
If you haven’t prayed or haven’t been in church for a while, prayer might feel awkward, so here are a few tips:
Pray for wisdom and patience. Pray for the right strategies, for insights into your spouse’s heart, and the patience to see them through.
Pray for your spouse. Pray good things for your spouse, even if you’re hurt or angry. Pray for good things at work, for good relationships with the kids, etc.
Pray for yourself. You’re not perfect either. Pray for help where you need to improve as well.
A note about Christian marriage counseling
If you and your spouse are both Christians, we recommend talking to a pastor with some marriage counseling experience or a Christian counselor. The Bible has a lot to say about marriage and many of the themes above, and it can help dramatically to have that anchor as you work to fix your marriage.
One key theme in scripture, for example, is choosing to love apart from emotion. Believers are told to love even their enemies, and love is routinely demonstrated as choosing to favor and serve someone—even where there are no warm, fuzzy feelings. That kind of love softens hearts and restores relationships.
How to make a marriage work
Almost every couple that walks down the aisle knows that their love is different and their marriage is forever. The things that make it so easy at the beginning are the same things that make it easy to maintain, we just lose sight of them.
The truth is, you probably did work hard for your marriage in the beginning. You made time for each other, did special things for each other, favored each other, and tried to make yourselves attractive to each other. It may have been easier then, because the relationship was new, but a stack of anniversaries doesn’t make that attention and devotion any less important.
Start by choosing and recommitting yourself to your marriage and your spouse. Then, think about what you can do today, tomorrow, and this week to start favoring and dating your spouse.
If you’re in Austin or Houston, or anywhere across the State of Texas, and you’re interested in talking with a Christian marriage counselor, the team at Neema would love to meet you. Our therapists specialize in both marriage and individual counseling, and while we are Christian counselors many of our clients are not Christians. Call 512.669.5701 or contact us online.