You turn in your last exam and are finally ready to go home. It's finally time to get a little break from your messy roommate, ramen noodles, and late nights studying. Five whole weeks of sleeping in, Christmas movies, and good meals. Absolute bliss. Well, not quite.
When you have a dysfunctional family, holiday breaks can be harder than your Chem final. You might have been dreading going home for a while. Or maybe you didn't realize your family was toxic until you left for college.
Either way, surviving the holiday break with a dysfunctional family is not easy. It takes preparation and strong coping techniques.
What makes a family dysfunctional?
Every family has its problems and the holidays can be stressful for many. But some cases are severe and family members are constantly acting in destructive ways. Some common dysfunctional patterns include:
Scapegoating: blaming everything on one person
Stonewalling: refusing to express emotions or communicate
Triangulation: talking to other people instead of who you have a conflict with
Gaslighting: when one member of the family manipulates another by questioning that person’s sanity or grasp on reality
These toxic patterns can make you feel hurt and frustrated. Learning how to deal with your dysfunctional family can help you to avoid further pain.
Here are some practical ways to survive spending long amounts of time with your dysfunctional family:
Prepare Beforehand
It is important to prepare yourself before you even see your dysfunctional family. Start by checking in with your thoughts and feelings about the holidays. It can be helpful to write these things down. Then, think about the expectations and boundaries that you want to have in place.
INCREASE COMPASSION
When you only consider someone's flaws, then everything they do will trigger you. Try to have compassion and empathy towards the person you are in conflict with. Consider that they are human and trying their best. If this person has hurt you, it will not be easy. But continuing to demonize the person is beneficial for anyone. Also, remember that you have flaws as well and are not perfect. No one is perfect.
Consider how you have grown
It can be easy to fall back into old patterns and behaviors when you are with your family of origin. Take time to reflect on how you have grown since you last saw your family. Have you become more self-aware? Have you gained more empathy for people who are different from you? Have you overcome difficult situations?
Brainstorm ways that you can practice these new skills while with your family. Instead of reverting back to childhood patterns, you can show how much you have grown and changed.
Set expectations and boundaries
What do you want your time at home to look like? How much time do you want to spend with your family? Are you going to work while you are home? Decide beforehand how you will spend your time. Then, set boundaries and try your best to stick to them. It can be helpful to communicate your expectations and boundaries with your family ahead of time.
If you know you need to have a difficult conversation with a family member, think ahead about the best timing. That way, the conversation does not end up ruining your Christmas dinner.
Skills for Not Lashing Out at Family
So, what can you do if you are in the middle of a triggering situation with your family and feel like lashing out? Here are a few great techniques to have on hand to help you calm down, take a breath, and regain your cool.
STOP
The STOP technique is helpful for diffusing stress and remaining present. S.T.O.P. stands for: Stop what you are doing. Take a few deep breaths. Observe your experience. Proceed. (Or don't if it would be best for you to excuse yourself and keep your boundary).
2. Regulate body temperature
Changes in body temperature can result from getting anxious, frustrated, or angry. If you feel yourself getting hot, try and regulate your body temperature. Excuse yourself to the restroom and splash water on your face or take a drink of ice-cold water. The sensation of the cold hitting your body can help calm you down.
3. Breathing techniques
Connecting with your breath can help you to calm down and pause to notice how your body feels. There are lots of different breathing techniques you can try. One of my favorites is 4-7-8 breathing. Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Slowly breathe in while counting to 4. Hold your breath as you count to 7. Release all the breath from your lungs as you slowly count to 8. Repeat until you feel a difference in your body.
4. DBT - Emotional regulation skills
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy teaches skills to regulate emotions. One is to distract yourself from self-destructive behaviors. For example, if you feel like you are going to react to your manipulative parent, go for a walk or call a friend. Then, you can practice self-soothing exercises such as connecting to your senses. You can look at a picture of something that calms you down. Smell something like lavender that relaxes you.
Dealing with a Dysfunctional Family as a Christian
The second greatest commandment is to love our neighbors as ourselves. This can be really hard when you are dealing with people who are manipulative, narcissistic, or controlling. Before you go home, prepare your heart through prayer, journaling, and reading the Word. Choose some scriptures that remind you of God's love and faithfulness. When you feel angry or hurt, remind yourself of these truths. Take time to slow down and remember the gospel. Find ways to reflect on Jesus, and the gift of His birth, life, death, and resurrection. Let Him be the reason for your hope this season-despite your circumstances. Neema Counseling is a Christian counseling practice, and if you would like to explore this further with one of our therapists, we are here for you.
Therapy near the University of Texas at Austin Campus
You don’t have to struggle alone with managing difficult relationships, past hurts, or negative emotions. At Neema Counseling, our therapists offer counseling services for college students in Texas. We are located near The University of Texas at Austin campus and also offer online therapy.