Discussions about money in a relationship can feel stressful and overwhelming. Financial disagreements can cause arguments, tension, and even resentment between partners. Even though they can be difficult, conversations about finances in marriage are important to have.
Importance of Talking About Finances in a RelationshiP
The impact of finances can strengthen or strain a relationship, depending on how the issue is handled. It is common that the financial background of two partners is very different. This can cause partners to not be on the same page about how they spend and save money. Issues can arise from disagreements between partners on spending habits, debt, and financial goals. A lack of communication and a significant amount of debt can cause lots of anxiety and stress in a marriage.
On the other hand, managing finances well can create a foundation for shared goals and security. Marriages can be strengthened by each partner coming together to dream about the future and problem-solve about finances. Open communication about finances can also create space for healthy communication about other important topics in marriage.
Having conversations about money is crucial for maintaining a healthy and thriving marriage. Here are a few reasons why such conversations are necessary:
Aligning Values and Goals: Talking about finances helps couples to understand each other's values around money. By discussing long-term goals, such as saving for a house, planning for children's education, or retirement, couples can make sure they are on the same page about financial goals.
Building Trust: Transparent discussions about money create trust between partners. When both partners are aware of each other's financial situations, the threat of surprises decreases. Then, the couple can work together to make more informed decisions.
Financial Responsibility: Conversations about money create financial responsibility within a marriage. Couples can create budgets together and hold each other accountable to the plans they come up with.
Problem-Solving: Through conversations, couples can identify potential financial problems. They can also brainstorm solutions together for financial challenges.
Tips for effective financial conversations
Schedule Regular Conversations
Make financial conversations a routine. This way, these conversations do not get forgotten, become too overwhelming, or happen after your spouse overspends. Pick a comfortable setting and a time when both partners can be fully present. Create a structure to conversations so each partner knows what to expect. Consider choosing a topic to discuss during your conversations such as saving for retirement or holiday spending.Enter Calmly
Before you join your partner for the conversation, try some mindfulness and grounding techniques. These techniques can help you to regulate your nervous system so you enter the conversation feeling calm and having a focus on what is meaningful to you. Before entering the conversation, take time to focus on your breath and body. Notice what you are feeling in your body and where you feel tension. Take time to breathe and connect your mind with your body. Other strategies can include going for a walk in nature, gardening, or doing something that you find to be relaxing.Commit to Being Judgement-Free
Self-worth is often tied to financial success, so make sure you are entering into the conversation with compassion for yourself and your partner. It is also easy to feel inferior or superior based on your financial literacy compared to your partner. Remember to work together as a team with a common goal of coming up with financial solutions. Create a safe space where each person can voice their thoughts without criticism or shaming.Practice Active Listening Skills
When your partner is talking, make sure that you are paying full attention. Make them feel understood and that you have an interest in their perspective by using active listening skills.
These skills can include asking clarifying questions and summarizing what your partner says. An example of this could be "It sounds like you think the best course of action is to put X in savings for college and spend X on a pool. Is that right?"Be Open
Being transparent about your financial history and debt may feel vulnerable. However, being open can help build trust and ensure you both know all the information to make good financial decisions. Share your story of how finances were handled growing up and how you view money now. Also, share your fears around finance and dreams for your future. Take time for both partners to share their stories and align values on money.Be Okay With Compromise
Each person in the relationship will have their own thoughts and opinions on finances. You may need to compromise some of your own plans to come to a mutual agreement with your partner. Know your financial boundaries and be open to understanding your partner’s perspective. You will not win every battle, so decide what you feel more firm on.Take Time to Refocus
If the conversation starts to move into an argument, take a step back. Take some time apart to calm down and refocus on the meaning of the conversation. Return to your mindfulness practice, eat a snack, or take a nap. Then, when you both feel ready to talk again, start slowly. Instead of getting stuck on a small issue, zoom out and recognize the bigger picture. For example, instead of getting stuck on a conversation about your partner spending too much on clothes, have a conversation about a bigger issue like saving or spending beyond your means.End the Conversation with Gratitude
If you felt supported and safe during the conversation, thank your partner for that. Say, “I felt supported today when you… (patiently explained your perspective, educated me about this topic, or gave me grace for making a mistake).” Take time to return to the bigger meaning and be grateful for what you do have.Seek Professional Help if Necessary
Sometimes it is necessary to seek professional help from a couples counselor. Seek a professional for issues such as not being able to compromise, lack of accountability, financial abuse, or poor communication. A counselor can help facilitate discussions about finances, determine boundaries, and teach communication skills. A financial advisor may be a good option as well to provide strategies for managing your finances effectively.
Couples Counseling in Texas
If you and your partner are struggling with financial disagreements, our team has skilled couples counselors who can help. Our counselors can help you to communicate openly and effectively about finances and come to mutual understandings. Our counselors have openings virtually in Texas and in-person in Houston, Texas. Schedule a free consultation here.